Confession..
It is something we are free to do but fear to do. We believe it makes us vulnerable , weak, less than, more evil because we open up a clean vantage point into our privacy and dark corners of our lives. So in light of that, we keep to ourselves believing that what we struggle with will blow over. We may get over the initial anxiety of whatever lingers over us but the pain and the issues are still there. Fear of confession is the beginning and the driving force for isolation. In the bible, it says that man was not made to be alone...I think that crosses every culture and belief system. We are not made to be alone...nor are we made to deal and bear our crosses alone. Here is my confession....
Growing up , Christianity was more of a tradition rather than a lifestyle and it was barely a tradition that we kept. The name was as much as I knew( with a few prayers and going to church) it was evident that the family environment was not conducive for me to know more that. These things don't make you a follower of Christ so I wouldn't say I was one. I had professed faith it was put on me without my decision and I didn't even know what faith really was. I was young..I was in no man's land. Not having some type of moral system or ideology, life could of gone many different directions. Being a male and maturing physically, women have been and are attractive. It was normal , as anyone would agree, to get strong sexual urges. However, when it becomes what you think about doing day in and day out...when you wake up and when you go to bed...that is not normal. Wanting sex is one thing, but when you feel all you want to do is that and nothing else...one can hopefully see not only the futility but the problem with that. Life is more than sex. From this vantage point, there was an accessible avenue to fulfillment if I couldn't get what I wanted from real women..porn and lesbian vids. I loved ( lusted) lesbians....it was something about two women have sexual relations that aroused me and it was the body of women "straight" or "gay" that got me going...this is natural...what is not natural or should I say okay is the objectification of women for the fulfillment of my sexual fantasies. This went on for a bit, with the growing passion for my turn to be that man in the movie..little did I know that something was soon to happen that would change my life forever.
One day I was watching a movie about three-some( just being honest) and my chest started to burn and have major pain. This pain felt like non-before as if something had a hand on my insides and was squeezing it...it is even hard to explain now. I didn't know what to do so the first thing I did was turn off my TV...and the pain subsided...the next thing I heard in my head was " Go tell your mother what you have done". Being a young boy and confessing to your mom about your pornographic moments is hardly something that you would do...you expect a whooping or worse..but there was an urge to confess. I did and there was this grace that I have never seen before....' I am proud that you don't me and don't do it again"... now over the years this is what I have come to realize that this was not just some ordinary moment but a extraordinary one. I haven't watch a pornographic movie since..that day...it was like it dropped cold turkey. I confess that I still have pornographic images in my head from time to time...it is a struggle but you know there is grace and hope in renewal from that struggle. The words I received from mom were similar to what I learned later in the bible as I started walking in faith when I got older. Back to the story.
Still struggled with women..as boys do...still wanted sex as boys do..but I was freed from a ball and chain that I had. This was only the beginning. As I said, I wasn't a self professed Christian by heart only by family and it was my mother who tried to get back to the faith that got me thinking about doing so too. One night she was reading the bible.......I was like " What is she doing?"...I was not overjoyed or anything but apathetic to something that was bettering my mother. She invited me to sit with her. I did so not to learn but to hear my mom speak because I love her. I was so out of it...I couldn't even tell you what our talk was about. Vaguely about marriage and a verse from the book of John...but the turning point of the night was when I asked her if I could take it upstairs to read. This night changed my eternity. When I opened it up....I had no clue where to start so I went to the back, the index, and read some stuff that interest me...like Jesus, Mary, Heaven, Hell, the devil, angels versus demons....it was like another story to me with characters...loved stories....little did I know that they more I read the more alive it became....the bible says that the word is living...and it started doing more than that in my life. I became more drawn to the moral dispositions of the bible, it was a mirror to me....seeing the good and the bad that dwelled in my character but at the same time showed with grace how to move toward a greater life and a greater relationship with God through Jesus Christ. However as I grew..I still struggled. I can talk about my walk with God but let me tell you about the struggles in it. Fast forward in my Delorian to after I accepted Christ.
I still messed up...just because you become a Christian doesn't mean you will not mess up. You are able to learn and turn away from that so that they won't happen again. When I was a "new born" in the faith, I remember when I was at this public pool and I was invited to play a game with these girls....I was the game. The game was to grab my penis. Knowing right and wrong..appropriate from inappropriate..I didn't care...sadly but I didn't. I wanted the feeling and it happened multiple times that game. The girls and I walked away as nothing ever happened. It is crazy that our desires can deaden what we know is right and wrong... I defiled myself and more sadly those girls....my classmates. God moved me from wanting to do those things again as I started living in more alignment to the word of God but my perverted sexual desires reared it's ugly head a fews times. I will talk about one time that could of lead to a life changing event.
It was my freshman year of college, this girl and I really hit it off. We acted like we were dating and all that. She would come to my room and lay in my dorm to talk and chill. No matter what you do....this doesn't look good to non-Christians...it is all about your witness and how you conduct yourselves. You could be the only representation of Jesus that they may see. So, one day she was sad and she came to my room pouring her heart out. However, that is not what I was worried about entirely....I wanted to have sex. Sounds bad but it is true. I leaned in to kiss her on her cheek to "console her"...hoping for a kiss back...then I knew it was to be on...but she said that she should go. Stopped right there..I learned that God will stop certain things from happening...and He did. If that night went the way I wanted it to...my present would be alot different. Uncommitted sex can lead to alot of extra problems that you don't want.
Other struggles: I lost my witness to some that found out what I was doing( that is the point you change and regain it) , I became a " Pharisee" and judged other Christians unrighteously when I myself was thinking things just as bad... I didn't show love to people as I needed to. I thought I was a perfect man because I didn't do somethings others did...foolishness..all filthy rags. That mindset showed how much more I needed God and He has and is working on me in that...the change is amazing. I hated a family member for the things they had done to me and those I cared about. I hated a girl for how she treated me.( ridiculous)..both whom I have forgiven and have grown to love as people...the bottom line even in my walk I had and still have a ways to go..especially when I started helping out with campus ministry....but I am growing and still am growing.
Being in professional school, I look back and see how much I needed and still need the presence of God. I have stumbled and struggled but never fallen to points where I was not lifted back up. When I tell people my story..I am free..I have no fear of being judged because I myself have said these things. Yes, I have had moments that have misrepresented The Father, The Son and the Holy Spirit but I have learned to use grace not as an excuse to do more wrong but as an allowance to learn and do right by Him and by people. To my readers who know me...I am not perfect..so a pedestal is and was never needed. Any good you see is God working in me..not me for as you see above that was me...but God is shaping me into someone better. It was through the confession of these things to God, my brothers/sisters and my mentees that helped me gain freedom of guilt, isolations and shame.
Unskripted
